Monday, 18 January 2010

Week 9/10

Had my 3rd Zoladex injection last Monday. I enjoyed a week of feeling better but then, crashed again.

My libido has completely disappeared. I keep getting severe headaches in the evenings, and still get the occasional hot flush, but they have calmed down over the weeks. My appetite is still on or off, as is sleep.

I feel like it's still too hard to tell if this is working for me. I spoke to my gynaecologist. Her plan was to stop the zoladex after 3 injections, to see what happens. I already know what will happen. I will go mental again, my family and friends will suffer a whole batch of crazy moods, and my life will stop again... although, life in the injection isn't a huge amount better. I certainly cant make a decision to have surgery based on what I've experienced so far.

My doc wants me to see him in the morning, to discuss anti-depressants. I spent so long on them before, and felt so much better when I was off them. I really dont want to take anything else. Zoladex for the hormones, painkillers for the headaches, and possibly HRT if I stay on the injections for longer than 3 months. I was a raving alternative, natural therapies kinda girl, and now I find my self, having to live a life full of serious chemicals.
Zoladex is a chemotherapy drug, used to reduce the size of fibroids, tumors and cancerous tissue, in breast cancer and prostrate cancer. I can tell you 10 years ago, I wouldn't have ever considered it.

The overwhelming feelings, when dealing with all this in my head makes me panic. I want to run away. I want to get in the car and drive and drive. I dont want to have to have responsibility for my kids, for the bills, for shopping and cooking. I just want to go away and hopefully come back well. The reality is, I get so suicidal, my thoughts take over. All day (in my head) I'm shown options, ways of ending it, ways of escaping, only then, my mind shows me the results of my actions. It tortures me with my childrens pain. I know only too well what is like growing up without a Mother.
It's like my own worst enemy lives inside my head, constantly reminding me how terrible I am, how I will never be able to cope, never find peace, a balance, or happy medium.

Will I ever have a job? and just earn and live like other people? or study? Will I ever be able to concentrate on anything? Will I ever love myself enough to get new clothes, feel good about me, look after myself, feel comfortable in my body, as me?

I'm so tired of this. Tired of the fight to make it to the end of the day, and the next and the next.

No-one has an answer, everything is trial and error, I dont fit in any boxes, and every day, week and moth that passes, I'm getting older, and older, and achieving less and less.

I just want this nightmare to end. :(
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