I'm beginning to dread it already. It just makes me sad and highlights everything that I dont have, and brings up bad memories from the past.
All the adverts about parties and family... getting dressed up and going out, visiting family, fun, happiness...
Facebook is full of photo's of other people having fun. Why dont I feel that excitement?
Feeling sorry for myself today. I'm frustrated by my thoughts, no-one understands. Oh.. look at all those lovely party clothes, make-up, shoes.... I dont get invited out. I guess friends have given up asking. Who would blame them? I have had invites in the past, to various things, but there's been many times when I cant go. Either moods, or fear has got in the way. I've missed so much in the past, and it just seperates me from everyone else even more. My social life is dead, and Christmas just rubs it in my face.
I dont have lots of family to visit, and they rarely visit me. Some things are just too difficult. It's hard to put my emotions aside when they make me feel physically sick, and my head cant think about much else than everything I'm missing out on. I'm hoping this year will be better than previous ones, but how can I stop the feelings coming up.. how do I ignore them? I cant relax at the moment, I'm stressy and moody and have an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I'm angry with myself, frustrated, and I feel stupid. Another weekend written off, and another one closer to Christmas.
I feel lonely. A loner... I never wanted my life to be like this. I always wanted to have lots of friends, be part of something, go out and have fun, but it hasnt ended up like that, and the opportunities dont come anymore.
It's my own fault, and I do realise that, but it doesnt stop it hurting, and it doesnt stop me wishing life was a bit more exciting. Study, kids, housework, bills, moods... and repeat, over, and over again.
I'd happily go to sleep now and wake up at the end of February.