Thursday, 31 December 2009

The Flip side

Yesterday I woke up and things were different. Like waking up after a storm at sea and realising everything is calm again. I am always a bit shaky to begin with... is it really over? but as the day progressed, I felt much better. I visited a friend, and just doing normal stuff like chatting over a cuppa helped enormously. I cook a meal, which is always a sign of me feeling better, and had a chilled evening, even finding time to set up a group for me and my women friends to chat in private. It's something i've craved for a long time, a forum just to chat to other mums, get support, ask advice. It really does help. Plus I got time on my hands right now. It helps to have something to do.
I also organised New Years Eve. Which to be honest, had been heading to disaster. I hate laying in bed before midnight, only to get woken up by people having fun! So, we have VIP tickets to watch Avatar 3D, and I am very excited.
Today my lifted mood continued, and I have been feeling the urge to create and draw/paint again. I have the whole weekend without kids, so I think I will indulge myself, especially as the weather is forecast to be cold, wet and gloomy.
I am under strict orders from a professional (Thanks Matthew!) to do as little as possible till the 3rd January, and I'm going to be a good girl!

I love me like this! I want it to last!

Happy New Year!!

Tuesday, 29 December 2009

6 weeks

I'm now 6 weeks into the Zoladex treatment. The first month was hell on earth, and I want to say that everything is great, but it isnt...

The second injection brought around 7 days of feeling better, then, the day before Christmas eve, I crashed again.

I cant tell if this is just the injection, or things are worse due to the time of year, but I am still wondering how I will survive it all. I had been pretty organised, and was trying to avoid the fact that my kids wouldnt be with me for Christmas day, but I couldnt avoid it, there it was plain and simple. After everything we'd been through this year, my family was all split up again.

My Christmas has been awful. Thats not to say that anyone around me is at fault, because as usual I am quite capable of messing everything up. Thankfully, my partner is still with me, and I cant even begin to describe how much he has helped and changed my life.

Right now, I'm in a very weird place. I'm still crying at the drop of a hat. The hot flushes at night are horrible, and so is the insomnia. I'm no mother to my children, especially my eldest. I still feel useless and trapped in this nightmare. There is no route to take, apart from just hang on for the ride. The suicidal thoughts are back, the voices in my head telling me how rubbish I am and how much I'm affecting my children etc, is just getting louder. I should be writing down how many times a day I am thinking of leaving this world... mainly through pure frustration and the feeling that this will never go away, but I know, in my heart, that to even consider suicide once in your lifetime is bad enough, let alone fight the demons on a daily basis.

I have very few friends. Lets face it... who would want me in their lives? and at the moment, I cant even talk to them, let alone see them. If I could go away, from my prison of a house, from the sleepy village, I would. I constantly wish I could just get on a plane to India, go away and come back all healed and sorted with plans for the future. I dont see a future right now... just days and days of endless crying, pain, frustration and self destruction. I actually woke up the other morning, thinking I should beg the doctor to put me in a nuthouse. Maybe I'd get the counselling and care I need there?? It's too much for my family and friends.

When I look at my life (as someone who is suicidal usually does a lot) I'm so saddened that it has come to this. Even 12 months ago, my health was bad, but I had a social life, I had fun.. I met my man. Now there is nothing. My man is still there, but my life is a shell. Everything has gone. I know that spiritually it may just be a total overhaul, but I'm so scared. I have no idea where my place is in this world. All my aspirations seem impossible, even down to being a good mum.

So yet again, I'm pouring my heart out at 3am to a computer. I tried sleeping, but the flushes are too much, and every one is a reminder of what I'm doing to my body, of what I'm trying to stop.

2 weeks till next injection and my appointment with the Gynae at the hospital. It all seems pointless, and I feel more out of control than ever.

Spiritually speaking, I must have done something very bad in a past life to deserve all this now. When I was a teen, I actually believed I was cursed... What is it all for? What lessons am I supposed to learn? where is the positive in this? I get so disillusioned with spirituality, religion. After a very near suicide attempt a few years ago, my Aunt, who is a born again Christian, took me to see her Pastors wife. She was a counsellor and my Aunt thought she might be able to help. Believe me, for a witch/pagan to even indulge this option was a big deal. Desperate? Oh yeah...
Well, she told me that my illness had been caused by 'dabbling' in the occult. By praying to the feminine Goddess, I had ended up with an illness that only a woman can suffer from. My only cure would be to ask for Gods forgiveness and come to her Christian group every week. She would only help me if I went to church. There's Christianity for you. I walked out in disbelief. I'd love to see my doctors face if I told him this was caused by lighting candles at full moons and attending pagan rituals.

Tomorrow is lurking. I hate this limbo land between Yule and New Year. I was going to spend New Year with my partner and both my girls, but yet again, I'm at the bottom of the priority list, so I dont have my youngest here. Another non-event. I was so hoping to be well by now. Time feels like it's ticking away so quickly, and I have done nothing with my life.

Thursday, 10 December 2009

24 days

24 days since my injection. I would love to say I'm feeling amazing, but it's far, far from that.

I'm finding it very hard to keep it together. My depression is worse. Add in a pinch of re-occuring red rage, that makes me want to smash everything in sight, and an ocean full of tears, and you have the past couple of weeks.
I am so low, I cant see the point in it anymore.

I have to have my second injection on monday. Talk about a rock and a hard place. If I stopped the Zoladex, I would go straight back to the way things were before. If I stay on it, I will get to see if this will work. The time between that however, is pretty shit. When I'm not wanting to smash things, break stuff, slam doors, punch walls or scratch myself, I'm trying to think of ways to leave. Ways to leave it all behind. Run away? suicide? drugs? I'm tearful all the time and cry at the drop of a hat. What happens if this doesnt work? what then?

It's 3.30am, and I went to bed at 11pm. I then spent 2 hours going boiling hot and then cold. Duvet on, duvet off. I felt the anger rising and just wanted to break something. Then I thought about getting in the car and just driving away. Trouble is, no matter what I do or where I go, I'm still messed up me. So, no point in going to bed, no point in waking up. All the things that once may have cheered me up no longer work. I'm losing sight of the light at the end of the tunnel, and think that maybe I should just stay in the tunnel and never come out.

I havent left the house much in 3 weeks. Issues about my weight, just add to my insecurity. I have had the most horrible spots break out all over my face, and a severe headache almost everyday.

My head cant deal with a menopause at 32. I cant deal with this. I just dont know what to do.....
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