Friday, 29 February 2008

Jean Endicott on PMDD

Dr. Jean Endicott has conducted studies of mood and behavior related to the menstrual cycle since 1975. Currently, Dr. Endicott is the Director of the Premenstrual Evaluation Unit at Columbia-Presbyterian Medical Center in New York. Additionally, she is a Professor of Psychiatry at Columbia University and the Chief of the Department of Research Assessment and Training for the New York State Psychiatric Institute. A leading authority on premenstrual dysphoric disorder, Dr. Endicott had this to say about its impact on families:

"The impact of having PMDD is often quite severe and may cause problems in many aspects of a woman's life. Many women report that their PMDD symptoms have caused seriously impaired relationships with relatives, friends, or co-workers as well as with spouses or partners. Often, relationships have been lost because others say they can no longer "put up with" some of the recurrent behaviors. The divorce and separation rate is high in those who have been married and others say that they find it very difficult to "keep" a partner. Many have also lost jobs or failed to obtain promotions because of their symptoms -- although the major impact is usually on relationships because most women with PMDD are able to make special efforts to avoid or reduce interference with their work.

"Women also report that even during the 'non-premenstrual' phases of their cycle they often have a sense of dread and helplessness because they anticipate the next period of severe premenstrual problems. They also report being hesitant to plan ahead, feeling bad about the effect their condition has on their family (especially their children), and worrying about the future.

"Women with PMDD are often markedly symptomatic 12 to 14 days of each cycle, year after year after year. The cumulative effects of these repeated symptomatic periods can wreck a woman's life as well as that of her family."

Thursday, 28 February 2008

Losing it

Today and yesterday I have been so low, to the point of despair.
I have no pot to smoke to get me through, so I am now on the Vodka. No point in pretending I can get through this with meditation, love and light as my thoughts are just too destructive

Just today, my brain has told me to, pack my bags, leave my baby with someone safe and leave, get in the car and drive and drive till I find somewhere to stay, with the intention of never returning.

OR

Pack all my partners stuff and tell him to leave. I want to be on my own..

OR

Smoke and drink till I cant feel the pain anymore. I would prefer to smoke but where I live is completely dry, so the little local Tesco's come to my rescue by selling quarter bottles of Voddy. Ahhh fuck it, what's the point in it all anyway?

Whats the point in an illness that means I cant be me for more than a few days?

Whats the point is battling?

Whats the point in fighting?

I have always felt like I am jinxed, like I have some curse on me. Is this what life will be like for another 30 years? I'm actually amazed I made it to 30. I thought I would be dead and buried by my early twenties. Maybe I really am just living on borrowed time now?

I apologise for being so self absorbed and depressed. I apologise to anyone who cant be arsed with moaning poeple like me. But in the grand scheme of things, you don't have to read or comment, I'm just fed up with pretending i'm ok.

Wednesday, 27 February 2008

Going downhill

My head has been all over the place with the pmdd, finance worries, and just generally trying to keep up with life itself.

I've spent the past few days feeling crappy, but making every effort to be positive, up and forward thinking. Trying to keep the good stuff in my head, trying to make things to aim for and achieve. Even after a reasonable nights sleep, I have woken today angry, angry at everything, feeling like everything thats been keeping me going for the past few days , is a pile of shite and will never happen. I feel like giving up again, but if i do, if i let go or lose what control i have over my mood, i will drop down into the pit again and dissapoint everyone again.

I want to work, i want to study, i want to contribute to the family, i want to be able to cope with the housework like normal people, I want little things to stay little things and for my brain not to create scenarios 100 times worse everytime. I want a rest, I want things to just be stable for more than a few days.

I feel disabled. I feel unable to live a normal life, I feel like just getting through each moon is an achievement that nobody else realises is an achievement. All other people see is someone who hibernates, avoids things, comes out once in a while, sometimes happy and bouncy, sometimes, so low it's . How can i expect friends and family to still love me? How can i expect them to put up with it? How can i help support my own family when I can barely keep my head together?

I was up at 7.30 to get the kids ready to walk. I ranted at rhiannon, my mind whirling and beating me up. By the time i was walking back tears are rolling down my face and i'm trying to wipe them away while pushing a buggy and shield my face from all the mums bogging out of thier car windows.

I was ok yesterday, i felt ok, not great but ok. Now today, bam... it's all gone.

I'm fed up with the rollercoaster and i just wanna jump off...

I'm just so tired of the frustration today. I feel like I should be living on my own, away from the people who get hurt and dont understand.

I feel like it's two steps forward them wipe out, every month. There's no consistency in anything, every month, every day, unpredictable. HOW the hell do I plan? HOW the hell do I get a job and keep it? How, when we are skinter than beggers on skint street do I cope with my illness and the fact it means that I am useless. The real thing we need is money, is me to work like other mums, but I cant do it.

I've been grabbing at anything for weeks... idea after idea of how to make cash, get myself better, study, do something constructive. Thats what everyone expects of me, and I feel the pressure everyday to fullfil it.

I aspire to jobs that I have seen, thinking of how, 'well ' could cope, thrive and succeed in the job, but then, it's the moods, the organising, the forgetfulness, the need for solitude... if it just stopped... if it just let me be then i could be successful, i could provide for my kids and support my man, but as it is, I'm not far off useless, apart from being able to cook meals out of next to nothing.

Saturday, 16 February 2008

Blocked

So today, I have woken up with a foul mood. I'm grumpy, just want to be alone, and very moody. I upset everyone this morning, my thoughts have been wild, and all I have wanted to do is sit and draw or paint. I have been trying to think all day about where to start with my canvas. A million and one ideas flow through me. All different ideas, I start one, I leave it, I think about another, I dont like it, I repaint over my canvas for the second time.

I toy with the idea of getting out my paints and just going for it.. but every which way I turn, there is a reason not to.

I am on my own in the house... the way I like it when I'm feeling like this, but at the same time, I still have no peace, there is still no quiet in my mind. I'm whirling round on that wheel of fortune again, attempting to grab for the peaceful centre point, but with no success.

I am thankful for my attempts at living up to my challenge of writing for 10 mins a day. Now I have written a little, I think I know what to do on that bloody canvas. All I want to paint is dots. Points... centre points... where I want to be.

A dot. The start. The beginning of any mark made on paper. The tiny hole a compass makes at the centre of the circle.

I want to create something that takes time, that is repetitive... Like a mantra, or a chant, repeated over and over.

There's my 10 mins... I'm gonna go see if I can actually do this....

Wednesday, 13 February 2008

10 mins

Everyday I will write for at least 10 mins in one of my journals. I have 3. One with my deviantART page, one on my website, and here. I cross post between the other two quite often, but the stuff I post here usually stays here. At least that may mean that I keep this journal up, as I have been appalling at keeping it up. It's been about 2 months since I wrote, loads of stuff has happened... I got a job, left a job, Luke has a new job, we've sold our van... lots of earthly things, but my head is still no where near ready for the coming phases in my life.

I had intended to write something this evening, one of the many ideas or musings that come into my head, but just as I'd stuck Delicate sound of Thunder on iTunes and opened a fresh post, my baby cried out. Running up to see her, I was worried she may have fallen out of bed. She has just moved into a toddler bed from a cot. Alas, she was still in bed, covered, and I mean covered in sick.

I am not good at dealing with vomit. There's not too many things in the world that I cant deal with, but vomit is one of them. It comes from being really ill with travel sickness as a child, and then as a teenager/young adult, regularly hanging my head over the toilet bowl after crazy drinking sessions. In both my pregnancies the sickness has lasted for 4-5 months, in fact, the last time saw me in hospital as I couldnt even keep down water.

I'm assuming Fae has a tummy bug, as this happened last night too. Luke dealt with it last night while I slept, but this eve, I'm up, he's in bed. I could have woke him... and nearly did, but when it comes down to it, I'm her mum, and I have to be able to sort these things.

She sat in her bed, half asleep, did what she was told, quiet as a mouse. I ran her a warm bubbly bath and sat her in it while I went back to clean up the mess and change her bed covers. Holding my breath, and just taking time to sort it without freaking, I changed the covers, shook off the chunks into the toilet, and stuffed everything in the washing machine. Washed her hair, brushed her teeth, and put fresh jammies on, she did it all with no fuss, no bother and with the occasional beeming smile. A short story later, and she snuggled down to sleep.

I return back to the computer.. Dogs of War is playing, and I've missed the whole album!

The things you have to do when you're a mum!
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